I got majorly pissed and stoned last night. I wasn’t celebrating anything, it was just that, you know how like every now and again it can be about 2.30 in the afternoon and you look at your watch and you go, ‘Ah, it’s 2.30,’ and then for no reason you go, ‘Well, I might just get pissed.’ Anyway, that happened and then about 3.30 I thought, ‘Well, I may as well get stoned as well,’ and I rolled myself a doobie and a big fat one for later and by around 9.30 that evening I was so pissed I could barely stand up. So, I was feeling around in the fridge and it was empty because I guess I’d smoked four of five extra doobies, because you know how that stuff can be a bit moreish, and I suddenly went, ‘Ah, so that’s where all the food went,’ because all of a sudden I felt like taking a majorly massive dump.
Well, so it’s 9.32 pm and I’m in the bathroom sitting on the toilet and I’m staring down kind of blearily at the trouser around my ankles and I’m looking at my underpants and, you know how if you stare at a cloud for a few minutes you can start to see a face or a horse or stuff like that? Well, suddenly, there in a crumpled bit of my underpants I saw this totally hideous face, like from something that had just crawled out of the grave and somehow found its way into my underwear. It had these horrible teeth and it was grinning and going, ‘I have you now, Portingale, you fat, stoned bastard.’ Seriously, it totally scared the holy fuck out of me. And I can tell you this, there was no way I was going to put those goddamn things back on, no way on God’s earth. In fact, at the time, I couldn’t see myself wearing anything even vaguely resembling underpants ever again. Anyway, I took them off and stuffed them into the cistern and I got a whole heap of heavy stuff and put it on top because I honestly didn’t want those fucking things getting out in the middle of the night.
So anyway, that’s how I got to wake up this morning with no underpants on.